Day 21: Screw Snow White and her cute little dwarfs

March 15, 2010

I have heard exercise is supposed to improve your mood.  I was hoping I’d hit the gym, get on the treadmill and be all happy like freakin’ Snow White;  doves landing on my finger, Bambi and Thumper running along side of me and little sparrows tying bows in my hair.  I got squat.  Where are the endorphins?

I am feeling very frail emotionally as my 23-year-old son, who’s had 2 brain surgeries since October, is having another this Thursday AND I CAN’T GO THIS TIME.  I am very frustrated, depressed, scared.. you name the emotion and I am feeling it.  So going to the gym today wasn’t a party.  I found it challenging to go in, challenging to stay on the 40 minutes, challenging to do the incline and challenging to not let my mind constantly be on my son.  I turned Lady Gaga up in my ear, hoping to drown out last nights nightmares, and it didn’t work…  all that happened is my ears are now ringing.

I admit I feel better in the simple fact that I didn’t sit on the couch in a nervous snit, I keep thinking I will be thankful a month from now I kept it up when I didn’t feel like it, but, I was hoping a good serotonin/endorphin rush would kick in.  I guess hoping exercising was a magical fix all is expecting too much.  Just a hard day.

Screw Snow White, I’m cheering for the witch today.

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7 Responses to “Day 21: Screw Snow White and her cute little dwarfs”

  1. Kelly Says:

    Oh no! My thoughts and prayers are with you and your son!

  2. Jayson! Says:

    Dear Kitty,

    I apologize in advance for the harsh tone of my response. I don’t mean to be harsh at all…I just want to talk plain and without any nonsense, because that’s how life is.

    And I figure you’ll get enough “Oh, I’m so sorry for you” responses. For the record, I AM sorry for you…but that’s not going to help you with anything, right? So here’s my perspective:

    As an obese food addict, I always live in my fantasy world; It’s “my way or the highway”….but life doesn’t care what I think. No.

    Life is cruel, matter of fact, vicious & without any apologies to anybody. And it’s not even personal.

    Millions of deserving, wonderful, bright, hopeful, young, happy, loving people die every single year. And lots of bastards get to live a while longer.

    If life were fair, or controllable, we might be happier, but I can’t control life. I can only control me…and only partially at that.

    By sulking, because exercise didn’t make you feel wonderful and magical today, you are robbing yourself of a perspective that can help you.

    You DID exercise today, and you helped yourself to be stronger, healthier, and you stood up to what life threw at you. As life goes, you have a fair amount of stress today. More than some, less than others.

    But today, you claimed your power and said “Life, you suck, and I’m unhappy about my kid, but you know what? I’m still important, and I still did what I had to do. You haven’t stopped me today.”

    And that’s no small deal. That is a big change from how you probably used to deal with your problems, right?

    Having a sick child isn’t fair, but life doesn’t care about that. No matter what you do, your child will get better or get worse. There’s very little you can control (which sucks, I know.)

    But if you focus on the fear, you can’t be present and appreciate all the things that you DO have. If you get wrapped up in your own mental mess, you won’t be any good to anybody, including yourself, your son or your family. Right?

    When I’m upset and feeling sorry for myself, I find it VERY useful to write a gratitude list. Write at least 40 things you’re grateful for…and then say “Thank you” in a tiny little prayer.

    (And who cares if God even exists or not? The attitude shift will work wonders whether he exists or not.)

    Even if you’re mad or think you have nothing to be grateful for, just try it. But I warn you, you WILL feel better afterwards, so be careful. Most people just want to stay mad.

    A huge part of evolving out of my compulsive overeating was to learn how to “grow up”, which means dealing with life as life is, not as I would have it be.

    You may not be able to fix your kids brain, or lose 100 pounds by tomorrow, but you can have a good attitude, take care of yourself, not give into despair and take practical, every day steps that will give you more peace, happiness, strength, and inspire others. You can choose to be powerful.

    So no wimping out, Kitty.

    No whining.

    No rooting for the witch.

    That bitch got what she had coming to her.

    Decide to be DONE with letting negativity in, because that’s always what starts the cycle of overeating and depression. Right?

    I’m proud of you. You did what you had to do today…and even though the reward may not seem instant, it IS.

    You’ve proven to yourself that you don’t have to have things your way. You’ve proven that you’re tough enough to live in the real world, take one thing at a time, and still keep going, no matter what happens.

    And it gets easier every time you repeat it.

    I don’t know about you, but I used to be the kind of person who got stopped by every negative thought, by every little emotion, by every doubt…but now I’m different. And nothing is going to stop me today.

    THAT’S the reward you get every day.

    Real, evolving change. Genuine growth.

    That’s no small deal. Right?

    Jayson.

    • Kitty Says:

      WOW.

      I think you need to be sitting on a mountain top somewhere in the Himalayas in an orange robe milking a goat. That was pure genius insight! Thank you for not playing the sympathy card, but for reminding me of the good and the strength.

      You are right, before I would have dealt with this very differently, I would have turned to food. Something big, cheesy and REALLY not good for me. I am trying very hard to make a conscious effort to avoid that behavior.

      Thank you Jayson, for being such a sensitive yet tough friend! And, thank you for reminding me of all that you did. It was not only inspiring, but refreshing.

      Also, for the record, I very much believe in God. I know he is in control of it all anyway, so why we continue to worry is beyond me, just human I suppose.

      • Jayson! Says:

        Mmmmm…..”big and cheesy”……are you sure that Food isn’t God?

        lol…that would explain a lot…like why I used to worship it. =P

        Mwah!

        J

  3. living400lbs Says:

    Prayers & hopes for you and your son.


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